Photo by Micheile Henderson

Even with 7 billion people on the planet, when it comes to relationships, far too many have a tendency to settle for less than the ideal mate out of a misguided belief in scarcity: a shortage of good men and women. Worse yet, many stay in physically, mentally or emotionally abusive relationships till death do them part. The problem with this program is that abusive relationships hasten the hearse ride to an early grave.

Then, there are those who stay in relationships that do not help them shine, that do not support their highest good, or that stifle their personal growth. Their reasons for staying include habit, familiarity, a fear of being alone, shared history, convenience, financial dependency,  or social conditioning, which means conformity to the social norms of church, family, race or culture. Some may also fear being labeled a traitor, an ingrate, a quitter, a failure, or a selfish person.

In reality, any relationship that is less than loving, respectful, considerate, caring, adoring, and supportive, or that prevents you from pursuing your bliss is not worth it regardless of how much time, money or hope has been invested.

ALONE VS LONELY
We all go through different phases of life that require spaces in our togetherness with others. If we can fully embrace these times, we can reap great rewards. Those who have learned important karmic life lessons from previous relationships tend to glean such lessons through a willingness to go within in order to learn from the experience. This requires sufficient alone time between relationships to forgive, to get the gift in the lesson, and to move on.

Most of us are conditioned to feel a need to be in relationships, which certainly provide a mirror to scrutinize those aspects of the self that need growth or healing. However, there are times when it is in our best interest to be alone. As long as we don’t confuse aloneness with loneliness, we can benefit greatly from going solo. Alone time provides a great opportunity to face our inner demons, which need house cleaning or exorcism, in some cases. This will clear the way for healthier relationships in the future.

RELATIONSHIP CHEMISTRY
For those who are single, the search for an ideal mate can become complicated by the mere fact that there is no shortage of souls on the planet. In other words, there are plenty of mates to go around. For instance, in urban centers, every time you walk out the door, go shopping, run errands, attend a social gathering, or go to work, the odds are you will run into someone you are attracted to or someone who is attracted to you. The catch is finding an energetic or physical match, which is part and parcel of what is known as good chemistry. If it’s not an energetic match for you, no signal is sent to your brain to produce the hormone that will create an attraction, even if that person is attracted to you. It’s just nature’s way of indicating that this person is not a match. And if you’re on the receiving end of this rejection, instead of being offended or hurt, take solace in the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You will eventually find someone who compliments your energetic frequency.

HANDLING REJECTION
When you factor in the primacy of chemistry, it makes no sense to take rejection personally. Moreover, it is futile to wait around wishing, hoping and praying that this person will change his/her mind. The key is not to waste time with those who are not attracted to you and those you are not attracted to. Women, in particular, need to accept that studies overall show that most men are not interested in a friendship with a woman to whom they are physically attracted. So, ladies, if someone is attracted to you and the feeling is not mutual, it is important to let that person know so as to avoid leading him on. Since most guys confess to having problems reading signals from women or getting them crossed, they would appreciate a nice, straight up “Sorry, I’m not available.” No need for details. A simultaneous smile and “thank you” will do. Even if you are single and available, the truth is that you are not available for this particular person.

As straightforward as it sounds, it can often be very difficult to reject someone. The problem is that through centuries of arranged marriages, we have become socially conditioned to believe we can force ourselves to feel attracted to someone whose chemistry or physical appearance repels us, especially if that person is nice or is good to us. While we can love that person and be friends with that person, it will be a passionless relationship for the person who is not physically attracted to the other party, and a disaster if it’s not an intellectual, spiritual or energetic match. Moreover, it amounts to self-masochism not to run from such an arrangement. Regardless of the good intentions of  parents, friends or other family members, who still engage in such arrangements, it’s sadistic to force your will upon that of an unwilling other.

Then there is the problem of guilt over rejecting someone your family thinks is an ideal mate for you. They can make you feel that you think too highly of yourself. In fact, many will ask you “who do you think you are?” just to bring you down a notch or two. I am guilty of marrying the man my mother chose. Even though there was chemistry between the person my mother chose and me, I knew that we were totally incompatible on a spiritual, intellectual and emotional level. But I wanted to please my mother and believed that she knew better than I did. She was wrong, and I paid the price for letting someone else determine my fate.

SEEK COMMON GROUND
While physical attraction is the spark that ignites the first fires of a relationship, compatibility of values is what will feed the fire and sustain that relationship. For instance, if you believe in and practice honesty and monogamy, and your partner does not value those virtues, that relationship will not work, no matter how hard you try or how amazing the chemistry is. Or if you are a night person and the other is a morning person, your energy levels will be off; if you are energetic, ambitious and hard working, while your beloved is complacent and lazy, you’ve got a conflict. So, even though chemistry is king in the beginning, remember fools rush in where angels dare to tread. Take time to find out if you have compatible values and goals before jumping into bed with that person! And know that you have every right to be picky, because it’s your life we’re talking about here. You have a personal obligation to be selective about the person you choose to wake up with for the rest of your life (or the life of that relationship). In the meantime, until the right partner shows up, keep working on being the best you there is. And fully embrace the fact that it is better to be alone than in bad company.